When things get out of hand...

I'm just awful.  A month ago I sat down to write ONE quick book review because I was so excited and I just couldn't contain myself, but then I tripped and accidentally read ten books in the meantime. That isn't bragging, that's me being a ridiculous book pervert. So instead of vomiting all those book reviews here and now, I'm going to try to write a couple over the next few days starting with the beginning...

Packing for Mars: The Curious Science of Life in the Void
By Mary Roach

This is the fourth Mary Roach book I've read, which speaks highly for any author, let alone a non-fiction one.  You may recall that I had the enlightening experience of reading her previous book, Bonk!, out loud to Tim on a road trip and embarrassing myself in ways I didn't think was possible.  This book achieves the almost unimaginable feat of being un-put-down-able and taking embarrassment to a new level.  Consider for a moment these chapter titles: "Throwing Up and Down: The Astronaut's Secret Misery," "Houston, We Have a Fungus: Space Hygiene and the Men Who Stopped Bathing for Science," and "Separation Anxiety: The Continuing Saga of Zero-Gravity Elimination."  Topics covered also include cadavers, sex, space-food, and the psychological effects of space.  There were more than a few moments when my combined squirming and horrified shrieking were enough that Tim begged to know what I was reading about... but it shall remain unspoken.  Simply put... I could never, ever, ever, ever, ever be an astronaut. It's a ridiculous, disgusting job.  No one describes these kinds of things better or with more candor than Mary Roach.

I would recommend this book to: my dad and anyone who needs a good laugh.

Bossypants
By Tina Fey

Oh Tina. Tina, Tina, Tina.  This is the first book I actually spent real American dollars for on my Kindle because I simply could not wait to get it in my hot little hands.  It was totally worth it too.  And, bonus, the Kindle edition is also a good choice for those who are horrified by the cover of the book.

Anyone expecting this to be a solid memoir about her time running 30 Rock (because it's titled, well, Bossypants) it's totally in for a surprise.  Anyone who would gladly listen to anything Tina Fey had to say for hours on end is in for a treat. Pretend for a moment that Tina Fey called your house and said, "Oh, I have this great story I want to tell you..." and then just launched into it. Any interruption that occurred during this story would be like the apocalypse.  Someone else calls? You have to pee? It's dinner time? The FedEx guy shows up with a box full of kittens? NOT NOW!!! TINA FEY IS TALKING TO ME.

That's what reading this book is like.  I defy you to put it down.  I also defy you to read it in public without being stared at as you cackle madly.

I would recommend this book. (Tim read half of it in one sitting and was laughing so hard I thought his face would break.) Period.

The Loved One
By Evelyn Waugh

One of these things is not like the others.

Ok, admittedly, it's not really fair to group poor Evelyn with these two books.  However, let us judge it one its own merits.  The Loved One's humor is much more subtle and very dark.  It is, after all, about funeral homes in Hollywood.  This short novel (subtitled "An Anglo-American Tragedy"--how great is that?!) begins with a warning that states, among other things, "this is a nightmare and in parts, perhaps, somewhat gruesome.  The squeamish should return their copies to the library or the bookstore unread."  If that's not a dare, then I don't know what is.

Some people take pleasure in watching the British make fun of the Americans and make themselves look foolish in the meantime.  I happen to be one of those people.  I also like books where people who are absurd think that they're complete normal.  I wouldn't give this book my highest recommendation because it's a weeeence snooty, but if you're in the mood for some snooty intellectual gruesomeness you couldn't get a better read.

I would recommend this book to Jessica R., but only because she put Evelyn Waugh on my radar first.

Bonus material: Because of Bossypants, I got excited and decided that we had to hike Old Rag Mountain (yes, that's a thing) because it's something Tina Fey does in the book.  We thought it would take like three hours, plus the two-hour drive to get there and the two-hours back.  We didn't factor in "Virginia" and Tim's fondness for "taking back roads" and Google Maps' distaste for "rural areas."  Hence, we got lost.  When we finally found the trail-head, the park ranger smirked at our suggestion that the hike would take three hours.  It took five (that sounds like a bfd unless your the one on the mountain).  I'm quite sure Tina Fey downplays the amount of physical danger they encountered hiking Old Rag at night without water or a flashlight because there are a number of what I would like to call "death opportunities" on the trail. Still and all, it was an amazing hike aaaaaaand probably the closest I'll ever get to Tina Fey unless Sarah Palin's crazy-bus ever drives over Capital Hill again.

Mike, in a death crag.

Thanks, Einstein.

You might notice a trend. I like to broil things on top of other things.

This morning I made an open face turkey and tomato sandwich that I copied from Einstein Bros. I have no idea where the nearest Einstein Bros. is so this will have to do, and anyway I kind of like mine better because I can control all the variables (except that no one sells salt bagels in DC, which is a detriment to the entire region).

This is a pretty glorious breakfast if you remember three important things I learned the hard way:

1. Buffer. There MUST be a solid buffer in between the tomato and the bread! If you don't like turkey, fine (why?) but find something else (smoked salmon? More cheese?) or this is reduced to a soggy mess.

2. Burning. Watch anything you put in the broiler. I left my first attempt unattended the other day and had to eat a soggy... and yet also burned, somewhat smokey open-faced mess in the dark on the floor the other day. I guess I didn't have to eat it in the dark on the floor, but I was late for work and that was the kind of morning I was having.

3. Seasoned salt. Don't leave this out. The people at Einstein Bros. sometimes forget this and it's just a travesty.

Here's the low down:

1 Bagel or English Muffin (per person)
Mayonnaise (optional)
2 slices of deli turkey
Thinly sliced tomato
Cheddar Cheese
Seasoned Salt in whatever variety you like (Cavender's Greek would be good on this)

Preheat the Broiler and make sure your oven is in the second or third from the top position (close-but-not-too-close)

Slice open your bagel or English muffin. The proper way to open an English muffin is to pierce the sides with a fork, inserted horizontally all the way around the edges. It will just fall open. Did you know that? Anyway.

Spread mayo on your bread-product if that floats your boat.

Layer the meat (buffer), tomato, and cheese in that order on to the bread on a baking sheet and insert it into the oven. Keep an eye on it! In about 3-4 minutes it will be melty and bubbly. Remove from oven and sprinkle generously with seasoned salt.

This is so delicious. Watch for falling tomato goo.

This tomato is currently growing on my patio, in the same box with my oregano and lavender. I can't wait to eviscerate it and turn it into a delicious open face sandwich.

Love.

I was going to write a book review, but I have a migraine so instead I'm going to post a list of the top five celebrities-I'm-currently-moderately-obsessed-with-to-the-point-that-maybe-Tim-should-be-a-little-worried.

1. Duh.


2. Ray Stevenson, AKA "Titus Pullo" from HBO's Rome. Aka, Athos, or Porthos... I can never tell the three legit musketeers apart.





3. Dude, in addition to his beard, he's friends with Fiona Apple.

4. I don't care.


5. I would see any movie Mark Twain was in.